I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
