Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
