I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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