I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
