How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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