I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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