So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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