Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
