Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize