if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
