i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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