I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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