imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
