moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
