I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
