He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize