What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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