I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
