The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
