Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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