Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize