grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
