I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
