I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
