she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
