I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize