your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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