her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
