I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
