somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
