I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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