There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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