First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
