Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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