My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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