I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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