i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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