You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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