i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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