Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
