dude i'm inner monologue high
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
