I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
