I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
