your parents love me but you hate me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
