I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I cockslap morals
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
