I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
