you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
