shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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