If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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