i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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