I'm so fucking centered right now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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