her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
