how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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