I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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