We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
