the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
